Are You Happy or Are You Settling?
Where did it all go wrong?
Things were amazing in the beginning. But somewhere along the line, you started arguing a little more, each time worse than the last. You begin to question and blame yourself for their mistakes. You think, “Maybe I should change this about myself and they would treat me the way I deserve. If I keep up on my appearance a little more, they will give me more time and attention.”
You figure,
- I’ve already invested so much time with this person.
- There is no way I’m giving up and letting someone else be with them and receive the things and time that I begged for.
- I don’t want to be alone.
So you stay and sit in the pain.
I can relate to this 100%. I’ve stayed in very unhealthy relationships in the past because I did not believe I deserved better, and because I did not know how to be alone.
The reason I am sharing this with you is because I don’t want you to sit in your pain like I did. My hope is that you become free from it.
I want you to find clarity in your situation so that you can set the bar high for yourself and build better relationships.
Below are 4 signs you may have lost sight of who you are in your relationship.
1. You make excuses when they disrespect you
“If I wouldn’t have done or said this, they wouldn’t have gotten angry and disrespected me, I will do better next time.” Or you find yourself defending them when your friends and family express concern about the persons behavior towards you.
Someone who loves and cares about you will respect you, even when they are angry. Their respect for you will not be dependent upon circumstances. They will respect you no matter what.
Getting upset with someone is normal but pay attention to what is being said when that person is angry. We all say things that we regret sometimes out of emotion. But that is no excuse to be disrespectful.
3. You look passed things you normally wouldn’t
The beginning of relationships are usually a time when all the cards are laid out on the table. We share our likes, dislikes, values, and deal breakers etc. We say things like, “If you were to ever do this, I would absolutely leave the relationship. I will not deal with that.”
But what happens when this person crosses your boundaries?
You’ve always said you wouldn’t tolerate any form of disrespect, betrayal, settling, lies, from anyone, but now things are different.
They may apologize for their wrong doing, but deep down, you know things will never be the same. And instead of leaving the relationship, you stay, because you love this person and believe that you can work through it together.
I want to be clear that I am not saying that you can’t or shouldn’t work through challenges in a relationship. But please keep in mind:
We teach people how to treat us.
We show them what we are willing to accept and they take their cue from us.
If that person is genuinely apologetic for hurting you, then it is completely up to regarding how you move forward with the relationship.
However, do not look past things that you are not comfortable with just because you do not want to be alone.
Your self-respect is worth so much more.
4. You ignore the red flags and gut feelings
If something feels off about a person or situation. 9 times out of 10, it is.
I am a strong believer that gut feelings never, ever lie. I also believe that gut feelings are nudges from God letting us know when we are headed in the wrong direction, or when we should not spend time with someone anymore. Intuition is something each of us has that serves as a warning for when there is danger or pain ahead.
Do not ignore it.
Do not ignore the red flags that God shows you just because you want to see the best in that person.
When someone shows you who they are, do not attempt to repaint the picture of them to fit into what you want them to be.
Believe them the first time.
Sis,
These are all things I’ve done, experienced, and have worked hard to unlearn. I encourage you to truly reflect upon the points I mentioned above and ask yourself if you are living in a space of denial and settling with someone because you do not want to be alone. If you could relate to anything I stated above, that is okay. Extend patience and compassion to yourself as you unlearn patterns that do not serve you.
We are deserving of people who reflect God’s love for us. You do not have to compromise who you are just so that you have someone to call your own.
It is better to be alone than to a live a life with someone who disrespects, hurts, or lies to you.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. -1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Romans 8:18
The pain you have been feeling can’t
compare to the joy that is coming.